I’m not really sure where to begin because as I’m sure many females (especially those of color) know, a girl’s relationship with her hair is something that’s very intimate and complex; but, I guess I’ll begin with what I consider to be MY beginning.  Since I was little, I’ve had this fascination with big, bold hair.  I’m pretty sure it began with my mom, a gorgeous half-black and half-japanese woman with beautiful loose curls that at one time went all the way down to her waist.  She’s chopped them off since then (I always tell her how much this still breaks my heart) and now rocks a really cute shoulder length cut that she can easily put up in a pony-tail, which is pretty much her one requirement for any hair cut that she gets, she has to be able to have a pony-tail.  My older sister has hair pretty similar to my mom’s, except her curls are a tiny bit tighter.  I was constantly comparing my kinky curls to her coils and frequently made it a point to say that she was so lucky that she got our mother’s hair, the “good” hair, while I was stuck with my thick, coarse less-defined locks.

I always hated getting my hair done because it was such a long, painful process and my mom pretty much felt the same way which didn’t help the situation at all.  So the day of hair washing became something that was avoided and fought until my mom suggested I get braids, which were lower maintenance.  I played competitive soccer in Texas which meant a LOT of sweat and salt going into my hair that wasn’t being washed as frequently as it should’ve been, which led to breakage.  I turned 13 and started getting perms instead, which lead to even further breakage.  My senior year of high school I began to see a trichologist who helped me nurse my hair back to health.  I started seeing a lot of growth and progress while using a keratin treatment instead of a perm, and for the first time in a long time I was really hopeful.  My trichologist also introduced me to wearing wigs as a protective style so I began to incorporate that into my routine.

My freshman year of college, I went to a salon claiming they did the same treatment I had been receiving at home, but I could tell the woman didn’t know what she was doing.  It wasn’t long after this treatment that my hair just started falling out, which, ladies I must say if this has never happened to you has to be one of the most horrifying/demoralizing experiences.  In the midst of this scarring period, I was training for an acting, modeling, and talent competition, which introduced me to the wonderful world of weaves.

Guys. I am not over exaggerating when I tell you that I. Was. In. Heaven.  Weaves were so easy to maintain and allowed me all the versatility I had dreamed of having that my natural hair didn’t allow me to have (or so I thought at the time).  AND.  The best part about it was my hair was growing underneath!  On one of my appointments my stylist suggested doing a half sew-in instead of a full, which meant relaxing a little bit of my hair and leaving it out.

This became my sew-in of choice until I realized that my hair was starting to break off and thin from the perm.  After seeing that I was balding on the sides of my head, I went back to full sew-in’s with lace closures so I could still achieve the look that I had so fallen in love with.

It came time for my boyfriend to graduate and I couldn’t get home to my favorite stylist so I scoured the internet for a reputable salon that could sew-in some extra tracks for me at the last-minute and I found one that appeared to be pretty-well known and had even been mentioned on TV! I kept going back and forth on whether I should go and finally I decided I should just do it. Reflecting, everything after this point is almost humorous because it went so terribly wrong. The salon was in Brooklyn, so by the time I drove there I hit a TON of traffic, realized I didn’t have a charger for my dying phone that I was using for GPS, AND  realized I was missing my boyfriend’s pre-graduation BBQ (how many signs from God did I need?!).  After some frustrated tears, I pulled it together and was like, “you know what? This sucks but you’re going to look amazing and feel so much better after you get your hair done.”  I get to the salon and I am put on a waiting list and wait for much longer than I was expecting.  Once it’s finally my turn I receive horrible service…the girl doing my hair leaves in the middle of taking out my braids to have a smoke break, has to wash my hair twice because she didn’t get out all of the product she put in the first time, and braids my hair in a way that leaves a huge bump where my tracks won’t lay flat.  I had arrived at the salon at about 5:30 and by the time I left it was almost midnight and I was furious, tired, upset, and felt sick. BUT.  My tracks were in.

Fast-forward to a couple of days before my birthday and an entire Summer and Fall’s worth of suffering through having this sew-in grow increasingly worse in appearance over time..I had finally scheduled an appointment with my stylist to just…fix everything.  It had gotten to the point where I either wore a hat or headband every day to cover up the mess on top of my head and I was SO looking forward to having some TLC from someone I trusted.

From the first day of my birthday month leading up to these couple of days before my birthday I told myself that I was going to cut out my tracks the next day because they looked so horrible.  So on October 11, 2014 I did just that. I could feel my head take a deep breath of fresh air and I’m pretty sure I heard it sigh with happiness and relief.  It felt SO good to have a clear head.

I started talking to the Maverick about what I should do to my hair next and he suggested that I stay natural.  This idea hadn’t even occurred to me and quite frankly terrified me a little..I had been running and hiding from dealing with and understanding my natural hair for my entire life.  It never made me feel confident or beautiful like weaves did, in fact, it made me feel quite the opposite.  The next thing he said actually rocked my world:

“Ok so it’s just like this.  I’m in love with you, I love everything about you.  I just want you to be you because that’s what I love!”

Y’all I lost it! I broke down in tears immediately and everything became so realized for me.  I had spent a couple of decades fighting something so beautiful, and personal, and original that God gave ME and is such a key part of who I am.  It’s different from the majority but I’ve spent my entire life trying to be different from the majority!  I took some time to digest the idea and I found myself getting excited about the challenge that going natural presented!

So here I am, slowly but surely absorbing every little bit of information and tip that I can get my hands on.  I’ve already learned SO much not only about natural hair and the community that accompanies it but about myself and my identity.  I’m so excited to take on this journey and see what kind of insight God blesses me with along the way.  He’s already blessed me with a lot.

These are the pictures I took as soon as all my tracks were out. You can see all the breakage, especially on the sides, and also how uneven my hair is.

This is the one picture I took after my big chop on November 1st. I forgot to get a picture before my finger coils 🙁 oops.

I’d love to hear about some of your experiences or any thing we might have in common in our journeys! Did you have some bad experiences? Where did you find your strength? Did your boo help you along the way? Tell me about it!